Are Zombies Real? Rane Clemens Exclusive

“Are Zombies Real?”

The author would like to foremention to the Editors of The Zombie Blog, that your organization should seriously consider adding a Category labeled as, “Zombie Facts & Research”. In addition, the web host of this site should offer Mr. Rane Clemens log-in access to this site, so that he may update his vast collection of knowledge to this database, as he sees fit. Simply replying to a distain, half-focused half of a paragraph labeled THE DEAD HAVE A VOICE, is hardly “soap-box” worthy of such an educated, literary genius as the reputable Mastrer Rane Clemens. With this in mind, I will begin….

Are Zombies real? Hmmm….. Let me think about that for a moment. That is hardly the kind of question that you may be asking yourself, as chunks of what used to be your most personal thoughts, are traveling rapidly down a windpipe where a windpipe no longer exists! So, these most personal meaty (and I must add, Bloody)pieces of flesh, fall one by one like some sadistic Chinese Water Torture, into your frozen eyes!
Yes! I would say they’re fuckin’ real!!

I can only speculate that this, or some unfocused version of it, was what was most likely going through my Mother’s mind (or what parts had not already been chewed up), when I found here in a pit of Zombies, outside of my poor excuse for a Research lab. More like a shed than anything else, I performed some of my best experiments just behind our house in the hills of Rainelle, West Virginia. Yes, just over by the Holler, you sarcastic Bastard.
The point that I’m trying to make is that if you don’t take this thing seriously, there’s certain to be dire consequences, and that will most likely start with your cranium. Or, as the Zombie itself may describe to you, your “Salad Bowl”. That’s right- Dinner time, Biotch!
The legend of the Zombie, or as they say in the deep of the Jungles, “Zombi”, has been around for quite some time. Of course, until Hollywood came along and fucked it all up for you and yours truely. Warped your mind, so that it’s all a big joke. And then, WHAMMO”!!!!!!! Teeth to your skull, bitch, and it’s all over. Poor schmuck was laughing all they way to the bite. Then? Well, not so funny. And that’s the way it happens every time. I try to warn them. Grandpa ain’t like he used ta be- He just ate Grandma and for once, she didn’t like it. Bit too hard and bit the wrong body part, if you know what I mean.
So here’s the news flash. I’m gonna break it all down for you once and for all and you best be taking notes, because I’m bolting my fuckin’ door as soon as I’m done here. I would’ve been long gone already, but I had some burying to do, and if any of this information can get to the right people, well then maybe I can THINK about sleeping. Not likely, though.

Fact #1: Yes, Zombies are real. And they WILL bite you in the ass if no Brain is available. Trust me, there’s some backass hillbillies around my neck of the woods, and I’ve seen it happen.
The biggest problem, as I had mentioned earlier, is that Hollywood has been making Zombie Movies for so long, that no one will listen to reason. I’ve seen em’ all- Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead (Both of them), I Zombi, White Zombie, Bone Sickness, Brain Dead, Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things (This was a great film they showed us in Elementary school, up here in Coal Mine country), Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town, Die You Zombie Bastards, and Pet
Semetary. People often ask me if I’ve ever seen 28 Days Later. To which I reply, “No, because if wasn’t a Zombie movie! It was about monkey Aids or something, and if I had a list of shitty movies that would give me diarrhea for a week, that would most certainly be on the list, but I don’t have a list of movies that gave me diarrhea for a week!!!”
So, please don’t ask me that question.
Getting back to the point that I was making, Hollywood has convinced you that Zombies are funny and you should run around like a giggling fairy while they slowly creep up to you at about .0005 miles per hour simply and reverently requesting, “Brraaaiinnnssss”. Well, tell THAT shit to the fucking tourists, my friend, because I can tell you that they’re pretty damn fast around these parts.
And, yes, these films that they produce for your viewing pleasure do not even come close to the true Horror that these two gray eyes have seen. I’ve most certainly seen scarier films than the before mentioned. House of 1000 Corpses got me wearin’ brown. That fucker, Billy the Puppet from Saw was pretty damn piss leakin’. Damn, the Incredible Hulk got me heading to the restroom and that’s not even a Horror film! The point is, Hollywood and their Zombie Movies are full of crap and they know it.
Another beef that I have, are novelty companies that come out around Halloween with all kinds of Zombie Masks, Zombie fingers, Bag O Zombies, Zombie Vaginas; Hell, I saw some guy on the internet selling shirts that said Zombie Taco and Zombie Hotdog! Waht the Fuck! Dude, you’re not helping. And by the way, people, he’s talkin’ about Va-jay-jays and Weiners! You ain’t fooling nobody, man! Not fer a dang second. Nothing funny about Zombie Vaginas and Peckers, I can tell ya from experience! You wouldn’t be laughing so damn hard if you ever witnessed a Zombie rape, I can tell you that.
R.I.P, Donnie. It shouldn’t have gone down like that.

Anyhow, before you start wearing Zombie Jewelry, or play all of those Zombie Video Games they got out there these days, you need to do some serious research for yourself. Get on Wilkipedia and get some knowledge, cause there’s plenty of it out there, if you look between the lines and stop basing everything you THINK you know, on Zombie Movies and Zombie Tacos. Damnit, this world’s goin’ ta Hell…
Zombie Hotdog, my Ass.

Locking Up For The Night,

Rane Clemens
Rainelle, WV

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