This is ZombieMall.com ‘s review of the 2013 remake of Evil Dead.
It sucks. Don’t waste your money on this. I’m serious.
Now, should you NOT heed my warning, and you still insist upon seeing it; then stop reading. I’m about to rip it apart. Yeah, that means I’m going to have some spoilers. If that really means anything with this movie.
I’ll start with telling you what happens in the movie, then finish up with my review. All the while, I’ll try to explain why you should not waste your money on this movie.
1st off, Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell actually coughed up green to help produce this garbage. That alone convinced me that it should be a movie worth seeing. Wow, was I wrong. We start off with a girl running through the woods and she gets caught by two rednecks. Next scene, she is tied to a post in what looks like a basement. Her dad is tossing gas on her, all the while an old hag of a lady is preaching at him to kill his daughter in order to save her soul. The old hag lady is reading over The Book of The Dead. The girl tells her father to fuck himself and that she will eat his soul. She goes up in flames. Oh, but don’t worry because the amount of flames going up is not enough to BURN DOWN THE REST OF THE OLD WOODEN CABIN. We can chalk that up to Piss Poor Writing.
Opening Credits. They try to use a startle tactic with quiet music here then a sharp noise as the words EVIL DEAD appear on screen.
We learn that 5 people are going to the cabin. It belongs to two of them who are brother and sister. The reason everyone is there is to help Mia, the sister of David, to kick her Meth habit. She dumps her cooked goods down a well and they go into the cabin. (Tho I will note there is one scene where Mia is sitting on a run down rusted car – it’s the same one from the original The Evil Dead – so the CAR has a cameo).
Mia starts freaking out, swears she smells something dead. Everyone else tries to tell her she’s just having withdrawals. The dog (named Grandpa) scratches at a rug and under that is revealed a trap door. Blah blah blah, they find dead cats (which is what was causing the smell) and an object wrapped in black plastic and barb-wire. They also see the wood post (it’s actually a support beam under the cabin) that was used to burn the girl in the 1st scene. Eric brings up the object covered in plastic and opens it.
It’s a book, bound in skin. Yep, it’s also the same book that the Hag Lady from the 1st scene was reading from. It is the Book of the Dead. Why it was left behind since it was so evil, I really have no idea. We’ll chalk that up to Piss Poor Writing also. Eric reads from it and releases the evil in these here woods.
Mia freaks out, has to leave, steals keys, crashes the car, and get frightened by a mud creature, that causes her to run into a thorn bush. She gets attacked by the thorn bush. Yes, in the original the lady was attacked by a molesting tree. In this one, she is attacked by a thorn bush. A lady in dirty white appears before Mia. Her demon eyes all looking around and she barfs up a twist of 3 small vines. They crawl up Mia’s leg and molest her too. Mia then makes her way back to the cabin.
She decides to take a shower, but it’s not hot enough so she turns up the hot water. That causes the pilot light to go into overdrive. Yes, you heard me, the pilot light. To the furnace. And that somehow bypasses the hot water heater tank and causes the hot water to get scalding hot. (just to let you all know, that’s NOT how hot water works. Water gets stored in a hot water heater and is gradually heated up. From that point it’s as hot as it will get. When you start to shower the water that’s stored in that water heater slowly starts to run out. That’s why it gets cold after 30 minutes or so. However, here it gets so hot that she gets a 3rd degree burn. While it’s possible to get a 3rd degree burn when water is at about 140º F, HOW it got that hot just can’t happen.) Chalk it up to even more Piss Poor Writing.
Mia is now all blistered and demon possessed. Eventually some sad attempts at gore take place (if you’ve seen the Red-Band trailer then you have see ALL the gore in this movie).
I’m skipping over several parts because they were just poorly executed, however I do have a need to point out that NAIL GUNS, exactly like the model that was shown in this movie, REQUIRE AN AIR HOSE AND AIR COMPRESSOR to work. Okay, maybe she had the hose shoved up her ass and she used the power of farts to shoot the nails, maybe we just never saw that. OH, BUT NAIL GUNS DON’T SHOOT NAILS. They have to be pressed onto something as there is a safety on them that won’t even allow you the pull the trigger unless the front end is pressed down. You guess it, more PISS POOR WRITING.
So Mia has been possessed, David has been trying to save her, Eric is trying to convince David to kill her, Olivia and Natalie are both dead. Mia attacks Eric, he dies. David knocks Mia out, creates a defibulator from an old battery charger and two syringes, drags her outside and buries her. He waits about 15 seconds and digs her up, shocks her, and she comes back to life no longer possessed. Then Eric shows up, now HE is possessed. David blows he and Eric up.
Finally we are down to Mia. She is all fine now, no burns, no longer possessed. She’s hot to trot. Oh, but suddenly it starts to rain blood. And the Rain-Blood-Demon digs himself up from the ground and goes after her. She grabs a chainsaw tries to hide under a jeep. Blood Demon guy turns over the jeep pinning Mia’s hand under it. She rips it out, leaving her hand behind. She takes the chainsaw and cuts the Blood Demon guy in half.
She lives. We get ending credits.
Oh.. there was the rumor that Bruce Campbell had a cameo? Yeah. If you wanna call it that.
After the credits we see his face in profile. He tuns to the camera and speaks the word: “Groovy.”
I went with a friend of mine, his reply:
“It felt like we got butt-fucked in there.”
The writing was horrid, all the “horrible gory parts” were seen in the Red Band trailer. There was ZERO story-line. It was just; let’s throw 5 people together and make it up as we go along. AMC’s The Walking Dead has better-gory effects that this one did. There is one scene where a woman barfs up blood all over another woman. It’s looks super bright like Cool-Aid. I think everyone had a part of them chopped off (leg, arm, hand, jaw, etc) except for David. There is one poster over on IMDB that shows quotes such as “Simply Astonishing” “utterly and atoundingly awesome” “will absolutely blow you away” “a near perfect experience” “see this movie as soon as it comes out and often” You fucking serious? They had to have been paid to make those statements.
The official movie poster states: “The Most Terrifying Film You Will Ever Experience.” BULL SHIT. BULLSHIT! BUUULLLLSSSHHHIIIITTTTT!!! Go talk to my friends over at Black Lodge Video in Memphis, Tennessee if you want to really see the most terrifying film you will ever experience. THIS SHIT WAS A FAR FUCKING CRY from even the word scary.
I’m pissed off now as I write this. I spent just over $20.00 just for ME to see this (I got a small pop-corn and a bottle of water along with the ticket). I was happy to dish that out because, well, as I stated earlier Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell both kick in some money to produce this film. Certainly they would not invest in shit, right? Evidently they do. Perhaps they have some stock in toilet paper because it’s going to take several rolls for me to wipe this shit from my memory.
Or will it? Actually.. I’ll go watch Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard’s The Cabin in the Woods and I really think that will cleans my brain of tonight’s craptacular experience.
Should you choose to still go see it.. good luck.
EDIT: 4/6/2013 (Saturday after viewing):
After much discussion over on the IMDB message boards I would like to add this:
I probably should have prefaced my review with a couple of technical caveats. I am fully aware of real-world logic vs. movie logic. But there has to be something within the movie that establishes that logic.
When I watch a movie, I do understand that there will be elements that exist purely to that movie. That is, certain suspensions of disbelief. Take light sabers for example, no they don’t exist, but when I watch Star Wars I accept that they exist within the realm of that movie’s universe. Take Superman, people can’t fly like that, but in the realm of that movie’s universe this one guy can, and I accept that.
With the Evil Dead remake, however, while there are things presented, I sometimes have a difficult time accepting them just because it just happened. The support beam being burned in the basement under the cabin, for example. If you want to include that, okay, include that. However, if you want me to believe that the fire could not burn down the rest of the cabin.. you’re gonna have to show me why it did’nt. Perhaps something along the lines of.. Show that once the girl is dead and the demon is gone, the flames simply die out (much like the flame did on the tree at the end when David burried Mia). Establish continuity.
I’ll use the left behind Book of the Dead as well. Yeah I’ve heard the argument; “well, if it didn’t get left behind then there would be no movie.”
I don’t buy that. I feel that we were simply supposed to accept it, and as I’ve stated I have a difficult time simply “accepting it”.
As for the Hot Water heater and the Nail Gun I spoke about, great evidence was brought up to show that my argument was invalid. I’m not above being able to change my ideals on that area. I’ll add a reply to the comments section (with credit to the one who pointed it out to me) about how it could be possible for the Hot Water heater and the Nail Gun to work as they did.
In the end, I didn’t care for it, others did. I’m not on a crusade to force anyone to my view, I’m just offering it up because that’s what I do.