ZombieMall.com Blog

Part of my day to day job is to drive.  I’m a vendor to several different retail stores and I simply go from store to store, training them, helping them, and educating them on the new products that have come out.  Today my drive took e a short 100 miles North of the ZombieMall.  Close to my destination I passed an overturned gasoline truck in a ditch on the side of the road.  There were a few guys standing around it, looked like they were assessing the situation, each was wearing County Crew Neon Orange and Yellow vests.

I spent about 6 hours at my destination and hopped back in the car to come home.  I made it about 30 miles and found myself at a traffic standstill on a two lane backwoods Arkansas highway.  The same one that I took a mere 6 hours earlier.

I could see a Sheriff’s truck up ahead, blue lights flashing.  At first I assume it’s a sobriety checkpoint, but logic quickly sets in on that fleeting thought and I realize they would not set up such a checkpoint in the middle of a state highway.  No, it has to be that overturned gasoline truck from earlier.

Woods are on either side of me, a tiny church off to the left.  A few cars are turning around, but I need to go the way I was headed so I stay in line.  A little time passed and more cars have turned around.  I find myself 3rd in line and law enforcement approaches.  My engine has been off for a bit at this point, my window down slightly.

“Is it zombies?”  I ask.

He laughs.

It’s the overturned truck, just as I had thought.  They have another gasoline truck up there trying to pump all the gas out of the overturned one.  They have to do that first before they can turn it over and try to tow it off.  Approximate wait, 2 more hours.  No worries, I can wait.  Hell, if I did turn around it would take me 4 hours to drive to a point where I could meet up with another joining highway to take me home.

I begin to look around again and a thought occurs to me.

How many zombie movies have I seen in which the sole survivors are driving along and they reach an area full of standstill cars blocking the way?

Oh shit!  This is my situation!  I’m in that area full of standstill cars!  This is how it happens!

Then another thought:

What would I do if zombies started pouring out of these woods right now?  What survival tools do I have in the car within arm’s reach?

A quick look around…

3 empty plastic water bottles, some fast food napkins, my work lanyard and name badge (yay, they’ll know my name at least), a couple of CDs, a small pack of gum, a pen, my cell phone, some loose change, wires from my SiriusXM radio, and a towel.  In the backseat I find two toy cars, a baseball, a couple of sheets of paper (which is what I use to write this out on), and a box of plastic forks.

In other words.. I’m fucked.

Yeah, I’ve got a tire iron in the trunk, I might be able to get at it from the back seat (they let down from the inside), but as for what’s in immediate arms reach, I’ve got nothing.

I could use the CDs as a mirror signal, I could certainly make use of my cell phone, the baseball could be used as a makeshift weapon, the lanyard and wires could certainly be useful.  There is a cigarette lighter hole, but I use it as a power source for the radio.  Who knows what happened to the actual lighter, it was misplaced years ago.

Next time you get into your ride, take a look around.  See what you have within arms reach should you find yourself stuck on the highway surrounded by zombies.

Yeah, if I get out of this, which I have since you are reading this on the website, I’ve got to remedy this situation.

What would you add to your ride?  Something that could be legal (if cops found it they would not take it or arrest you), and something you could leave in there at all times.

Give me your thoughts.

This is ZombieMall.com ‘s review of the 2013 remake of Evil Dead.
It sucks. Don’t waste your money on this. I’m serious.
Now, should you NOT heed my warning, and you still insist upon seeing it; then stop reading. I’m about to rip it apart. Yeah, that means I’m going to have some spoilers. If that really means anything with this movie.

I’ll start with telling you what happens in the movie, then finish up with my review. All the while, I’ll try to explain why you should not waste your money on this movie.

1st off, Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell actually coughed up green to help produce this garbage. That alone convinced me that it should be a movie worth seeing. Wow, was I wrong. We start off with a girl running through the woods and she gets caught by two rednecks. Next scene, she is tied to a post in what looks like a basement. Her dad is tossing gas on her, all the while an old hag of a lady is preaching at him to kill his daughter in order to save her soul. The old hag lady is reading over The Book of The Dead. The girl tells her father to fuck himself and that she will eat his soul. She goes up in flames. Oh, but don’t worry because the amount of flames going up is not enough to BURN DOWN THE REST OF THE OLD WOODEN CABIN. We can chalk that up to Piss Poor Writing.

Opening Credits. They try to use a startle tactic with quiet music here then a sharp noise as the words EVIL DEAD appear on screen.

We learn that 5 people are going to the cabin. It belongs to two of them who are brother and sister. The reason everyone is there is to help Mia, the sister of David, to kick her Meth habit. She dumps her cooked goods down a well and they go into the cabin. (Tho I will note there is one scene where Mia is sitting on a run down rusted car – it’s the same one from the original The Evil Dead – so the CAR has a cameo).

Mia starts freaking out, swears she smells something dead. Everyone else tries to tell her she’s just having withdrawals. The dog (named Grandpa) scratches at a rug and under that is revealed a trap door. Blah blah blah, they find dead cats (which is what was causing the smell) and an object wrapped in black plastic and barb-wire. They also see the wood post (it’s actually a support beam under the cabin) that was used to burn the girl in the 1st scene. Eric brings up the object covered in plastic and opens it.

It’s a book, bound in skin. Yep, it’s also the same book that the Hag Lady from the 1st scene was reading from. It is the Book of the Dead. Why it was left behind since it was so evil, I really have no idea. We’ll chalk that up to Piss Poor Writing also. Eric reads from it and releases the evil in these here woods.

Mia freaks out, has to leave, steals keys, crashes the car, and get frightened by a mud creature, that causes her to run into a thorn bush. She gets attacked by the thorn bush. Yes, in the original the lady was attacked by a molesting tree. In this one, she is attacked by a thorn bush. A lady in dirty white appears before Mia. Her demon eyes all looking around and she barfs up a twist of 3 small vines. They crawl up Mia’s leg and molest her too. Mia then makes her way back to the cabin.

She decides to take a shower, but it’s not hot enough so she turns up the hot water. That causes the pilot light to go into overdrive. Yes, you heard me, the pilot light. To the furnace. And that somehow bypasses the hot water heater tank and causes the hot water to get scalding hot. (just to let you all know, that’s NOT how hot water works. Water gets stored in a hot water heater and is gradually heated up. From that point it’s as hot as it will get. When you start to shower the water that’s stored in that water heater slowly starts to run out. That’s why it gets cold after 30 minutes or so. However, here it gets so hot that she gets a 3rd degree burn. While it’s possible to get a 3rd degree burn when water is at about 140º F, HOW it got that hot just can’t happen.) Chalk it up to even more Piss Poor Writing.

Mia is now all blistered and demon possessed. Eventually some sad attempts at gore take place (if you’ve seen the Red-Band trailer then you have see ALL the gore in this movie).

I’m skipping over several parts because they were just poorly executed, however I do have a need to point out that NAIL GUNS, exactly like the model that was shown in this movie, REQUIRE AN AIR HOSE AND AIR COMPRESSOR to work. Okay, maybe she had the hose shoved up her ass and she used the power of farts to shoot the nails, maybe we just never saw that. OH, BUT NAIL GUNS DON’T SHOOT NAILS. They have to be pressed onto something as there is a safety on them that won’t even allow you the pull the trigger unless the front end is pressed down. You guess it, more PISS POOR WRITING.

So Mia has been possessed, David has been trying to save her, Eric is trying to convince David to kill her, Olivia and Natalie are both dead. Mia attacks Eric, he dies. David knocks Mia out, creates a defibulator from an old battery charger and two syringes, drags her outside and buries her. He waits about 15 seconds and digs her up, shocks her, and she comes back to life no longer possessed. Then Eric shows up, now HE is possessed. David blows he and Eric up.

Finally we are down to Mia. She is all fine now, no burns, no longer possessed. She’s hot to trot. Oh, but suddenly it starts to rain blood. And the Rain-Blood-Demon digs himself up from the ground and goes after her. She grabs a chainsaw tries to hide under a jeep. Blood Demon guy turns over the jeep pinning Mia’s hand under it. She rips it out, leaving her hand behind. She takes the chainsaw and cuts the Blood Demon guy in half.

She lives. We get ending credits.

Oh.. there was the rumor that Bruce Campbell had a cameo? Yeah. If you wanna call it that.
After the credits we see his face in profile. He tuns to the camera and speaks the word: “Groovy.”

I went with a friend of mine, his reply:
“It felt like we got butt-fucked in there.”

The writing was horrid, all the “horrible gory parts” were seen in the Red Band trailer. There was ZERO story-line. It was just; let’s throw 5 people together and make it up as we go along. AMC’s The Walking Dead has better-gory effects that this one did. There is one scene where a woman barfs up blood all over another woman. It’s looks super bright like Cool-Aid. I think everyone had a part of them chopped off (leg, arm, hand, jaw, etc) except for David. There is one poster over on IMDB that shows quotes such as “Simply Astonishing” “utterly and atoundingly awesome” “will absolutely blow you away” “a near perfect experience” “see this movie as soon as it comes out and often” You fucking serious? They had to have been paid to make those statements.

The official movie poster states: “The Most Terrifying Film You Will Ever Experience.” BULL SHIT. BULLSHIT! BUUULLLLSSSHHHIIIITTTTT!!! Go talk to my friends over at Black Lodge Video in Memphis, Tennessee if you want to really see the most terrifying film you will ever experience. THIS SHIT WAS A FAR FUCKING CRY from even the word scary.

I’m pissed off now as I write this. I spent just over $20.00 just for ME to see this (I got a small pop-corn and a bottle of water along with the ticket). I was happy to dish that out because, well, as I stated earlier Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell both kick in some money to produce this film. Certainly they would not invest in shit, right? Evidently they do. Perhaps they have some stock in toilet paper because it’s going to take several rolls for me to wipe this shit from my memory.

Or will it? Actually.. I’ll go watch Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard’s The Cabin in the Woods and I really think that will cleans my brain of tonight’s craptacular experience.

Should you choose to still go see it.. good luck.

EDIT: 4/6/2013 (Saturday after viewing):

After much discussion over on the IMDB message boards I would like to add this:

I probably should have prefaced my review with a couple of technical caveats.  I am fully aware of real-world logic vs. movie logic.  But there has to be something within the movie that establishes that logic.

When I watch a movie, I do understand that there will be elements that exist purely to that movie.  That is, certain suspensions of disbelief.  Take light sabers for example, no they don’t exist, but when I watch Star Wars I accept that they exist within the realm of that movie’s universe.  Take Superman, people can’t fly like that, but in the realm of that movie’s universe this one guy can, and I accept that.

With the Evil Dead remake, however, while there are things presented, I sometimes have a difficult time accepting them just because it just happened.  The support beam being burned in the basement under the cabin, for example.  If you want to include that, okay, include that.  However, if you want me to believe that the fire could not burn down the rest of the cabin.. you’re gonna have to show me why it did’nt.  Perhaps something along the lines of.. Show that once the girl is dead and the demon is gone, the flames simply die out (much like the flame did on the tree at the end when David burried Mia).  Establish continuity.

I’ll use the left behind Book of the Dead as well.  Yeah I’ve heard the argument; “well, if it didn’t get left behind then there would be no movie.”
I don’t buy that.  I feel that we were simply supposed to accept it, and as I’ve stated I have a difficult time simply “accepting it”.

As for the Hot Water heater and the Nail Gun I spoke about, great evidence was brought up to show that my argument was invalid.  I’m not above being able to change my ideals on that area.  I’ll add a reply to the comments section (with credit to the one who pointed it out to me) about how it could be possible for the Hot Water heater and the Nail Gun to work as they did.

In the end, I didn’t care for it, others did.  I’m not on a crusade to force anyone to my view, I’m just offering it up because that’s what I do.

After I posted about Radiated Wastelands from Pixel Pandemic, Thomas from over there shot me a little bit of sneaky information about one of their other games, Zombie Pandemic.

Here is what he had to say:

“The free to play browser survival horror MMORPG Zombie Pandemic is getting a complete overhaul. Based on several requests from the community about being able to play the game fullscreen, having an user interface which supported navigation and exploration better and lots of other input the development team is now finally only a few weeks away from making it available. The combat system will also be dramatically changed and include splash damage and special attacks as well to simulate the survival horror experience even better. Exploration will include more hurdles as movement in the quarantined will be more limited making use of obstacles. The sound design is also getting a major update in a few weeks and Pixel Pandemic has also revealed that they are working on a PvP combat system, introducing more scarcity making looting even more important and other more hardcore gameplay elements which has also been requested by the community for long time.”

You can check the game out here:

www.ZombiePandemic.com

It’s also free to play, was that mentioned already? Yeah, well, free is always good especially when it comes to zombies.

Peace!

The Future!

Flying cars! Lasers (on sharks!) oooh this is going to be cool!

Radiation? Wasteland? Mutants? Ghouls? ahh crap. You mean I’m not going to go around in a flying car or have a hover board?

Well wait a second.. What is Radiated Wasteland and what exactly is a PBBG? I know MMORPG, but wha…

Let me back up a bit. Didn’t mean to get all Tarantino on you there.

PBBG stands for Persistent Browser Based Game.

Okay, I’m clear on that now. I think. But what is Radiated Wasteland? You didn’t answer that.

Keep your nose on, I’m getting to that. First let me place a banner image of their game:

Does that say Open Beta? I love those! Gives me a chance to play the game and provide feedback! OHH! It’s FREE to play too!

Now who’s getting ahead of who, I’ll get to the Beta in a moment. Didn’t you want to know what Radiated Wasteland was?

Ohh, snap. Sorry about that. Continue.

Okay, so it breaks down like this… In the future the fit has hit the shan. The planet is in ruins, and everything we know is a Radiated Wasteland. You play as a survivor trying to get by in this apocalyptic world. Actually, it’s more than just survival, you will face mutants, ghouls, and of course other humans who just want to kill you to take anything of value off of your body for their own survival. It’s made by Pixel Pandemic (the same people who brought you Zombie Pandemic ).

Mutants and ghouls sounds good. I love end of the world type games. How much time do I have to invest in this? I’ve got a job and kids and they don’t really give me much time.

That’s one of the coolest aspects to this game, because this is a PBBG, it can be played in less than 15 minutes a day! This opens up for several challenges. Firstly, it is a turned based game with a limited number of actions per day. This should give you a good challenge as you consider what to do in order to gain the most out of each play session.

That sounds like a lot of fun. Do you have any screen shots? I want to play a game that looks cool.

Take a look at these:

Yeah, those are kindav small. Hmm. I tell ya what.. Check out this movie:

Radiated Wasteland Browser Game Intro Video Play Now | Play in Popup | Direct Link

I like that! Tell me more about the Open Beta.

The Open Beta opens on February 11th, 2013. It’s FREE!

How do i sign up?

Simple! Head on over to their website and click the button (hint, it says SIGN UP). Their website is http://www.radiatedwasteland.com .

You can also follow them on Facebook as well as Twitter. Those links are:

http://www.facebook.com/RadiatedWastelandGame

http://twitter.com/RadWasteland

That’s a lot to chew on, no doubt about that!

There’s more.

More?

Yep. I tell ya what, just head on over to their website, it’s got all kinds of great information. They talk about the storyline, the vision of why they made the game, they even go into the details of co-op game play. Shucks, you can even check out all the game features such as customizing your avatar, game events, perks, achievements, and more over there!

Just don’t let the ghouls get ya!

My friend from across the pond, Sean T. Page,  shot me a review copy of Metahorde.

This book sinks it’s teeth into you from the very first page and does not let go until the very last.  Even then it makes you wonder what’s going to happen next!

What is a Metahorde?  Well.. I don’t suppose I’m giving anything away here…  The horde itself is, of course, zombies.  Lots of zombies.  The meta part is.. well.. LOTS more..  As in millions.

Consider the size of a hurricane as it moves and swirls, replace the rain and wind with zombies and you have a hint as to what the Metahorde is.

Taking place in the year 2020, small pockets of civilization survive on the brink of starvation in a totally destroyed Europe. The zombies number well into the multiple of millions and roam vast dead zones (no pun intended). Make no mistake they are a force to be reckoned with, however, the zombies used to roam around haphazardly in random directions.  Something has happened that has made them organize together into massive hordes, that has made even the most sturdy structure crumble to the hungering march of the Metahorde.

When the throngs of zombies move through there is little to stop them.

Let’s pause for just a moment to ponder something..

The planet’s population is just under 7 billion.  Seven Billion.  7,000,000,000. New York has a population of about 8 million. United Kingdom; about 62 million. Paris; about 2 million.

Assume even a moderate outbreak of just 25% of the total population turns to zombies in the matter of a couple of weeks; that’s 1,750,000,000.  That’s a lot of zombies!  And we all know that there are many who simply won’t survive the initial outbreak, I’d venture to say that within a month at least 50% of the population will be zombies.  Given 6 months.. I’d almost say that only 15 to 20 percent of that initial 7 billion will still be among the living.

Are you pondering that yet?  Yeah, that’s a shit-load of zombies all hungry for your ass.

Now you get an idea of what Metahorde is all about.

It’s a page turner, no question there.

Then again, I tend to read these books more as manuals rather than for the fiction that some would claim them to be.

Hit up Amazon and order this puppy today, you won’t regret it.

You can get the paperback version HERE.

You can get the Kindle version HERE.

V/H/S releases today, October 5th in the United States with a very limited release in select theaters.

Yes, there are spoilers ahead.

Done in the tradition of The Blair Witch Project, V/H/S is filmed in the style of  “reality home video” / “amateur home video”.  Be warned though, it lacks the..  stillness of most other films shot in this way.  I can easily see where it could make one sick to their stomach.  No, not because of the content, but because of the filming style.  The cameras are shaky, unsteady, and contain more “video garbage” than what would actually be found.

What do I mean by “video garbage”?  Okay, back in the day of VHS recording if  you bumped the camera while recording, then played that footage back, you could actually see skips and pixelization on the recording.  I say that this film contains more of that than what would actually be found, and I state that by sheer experience.  When I was a kid I made plenty of amateur home videos (no, not porn you sicko), just me and friends goofing around.  Occasionally I’d try my talent at making some actual movies with story lines.  No matter what I did, I never had the amount of “video garbage” that V/H/S has.  Yeah, I get it, the directors added it to make it feel more.. REAL.. more.. AUTHENTIC.  Instead it just took away from the movie itself.

As for the storyline, wow.  I don’t mean wow in a good way either.  It starts off as if we, the viewing audience, is putting a VHS tape into a VCR (what we used to have before dvd and blu-ray players).  We see a “home video” of some kids causing chaos, and harassing a couple in a parking garage.  Let me warn you of something real fast..

There is some sensitive material in this movie, not exactly rape, but close to it.  However, it is only shown in the 1st few moments of the film.  The rest of the film is your typical horror/gore.  Okay, back to the review..

So the kids finish up their video of harassing this couple and head home.  We learn that they make these videos and in turn sell them to make money “because people pay big bucks to see this reality shit!”.  We then learn that they are going to rob a house because there is a rare VHS tape inside.  A rare VHS tape?  Really?  Rare??  I mean.. I’ve made several silly movies and they only exist on one tape maybe they are just as rare?  Okay, I digress..

So off we are to this house.. They break in and split up.  One group goes upstairs, another group goes downstairs.  The group upstairs finds a room with a dead guy in a chair along with several televisions, VCRs, and loads of VHS tapes.  Ah crap.  How do we tell which one is the rare one?  Damnit!  I guess one guy will have to stay behind in the creepy room with the dead guy in it while the others go tell the second group what they found.  The guy left behind is gonna watch some videos now.

That transitions into the actual movie.

What we discover is that V/H/S is actually 5 different films (well.. 6 as we also have the wrap-a-round film).

After each story we flip back to the group that broke into the house.  The 2nd group is in the basement and they too run across a stash of VCR tapes.  They have no idea which one is the rare one so they decide to take them all.

Then we go back upstairs and find that the guy left alone is missing.. oh noes!

I guess we’ll leave another guy behind and let him watch a 2nd video tape so we can progress this film.  It goes like this for a total of 5 different videos.

I’m not going to go into explaining what each story is, a couple were decent enough, but the amount of “video garbage” made them very difficult to watch.  Again, not because it made me sick to my stomach (though to some I can see how it could) but because it was hard to concentrate on what was actually happening.

I found myself fast forwading through some of what I was watching as a result.

I’ll be honest, I would not mind watching the tales if it were remade and lost the hoaky amateur home video aspect.  I really think that by shooting this film in that “style” really took away from what could have been really good.

I can’t say that I’d recommend this one, it was just a bit painful to sit though.

The Cabin in the Woods Project:

We are horror fans. We went to see The Cabin in the Woods back on April 13th, 2012 (yes it was also a Friday), we were blown away. It was something we had been hungry for, a good horror film. Good horror does not need to be all about blood and guts (although this film certainly has that), nor does it have to be all about cheap-jump-out-at-you-scares (think low music and a cat jumping out, it’s not scary, you are just responding to a loud noise). What a good horror film does is present an entertaining story. The Cabin in the Woods did that for us.

When I heard about this book, I ordered it first thing on Amazon. It’s chock full of behind the scenes information, loads of photos, and the script itself.

We have taken the ‘The Cabin in the Woods: The Official Visual Companion‘ book and are passing it around to domr of our horror friends. No, you cannot request to receive it, but also know that just because you do not get it does not mean you are not our friend. We have first passed this onto someone we know.. (read that as, ZombieMall.com read the book and handed it off to someone they know). In turn he has passed it on to someone he knows. In turn she is going to pass it on to someone she knows.

NOW.. within the book is a message from ZombieMall.com. IF you DO obtain this book, read the message carefully and let us know about it!

We simply want to see how far in the world this book will travel.

Until next our paths cross..

Stay Scary!

Oh.. and ignore the blood. it’s fake.. we think.

Smoked Zombie Brains is actually how I put together some smoked scallops wrapped in bacon. At one point I mention that I cooked the bacon a little before-hand because it won’t cook fully when smoked. It actually WILL cook fully when smoked, just not at the temperature ( 260°F ) or time ( about 45 minutes ).

Smoked Zombie Brains Play Now | Play in Popup | Direct Link

WARNING: SPOILERS ABOUND!!!

Before I begin this review of [REC]3, I want to throw out there a little information about the 1st two, seeing as I have not reviewed them here, however, I do review the remake of the original [REC] for US release called Quarantine. Also let it be known that these films are not in English.

[REC] – We follow a new anchor as she does a story of a local firehouse, she ends up doing a ride-a-long as they get a call to investigate something that has happened in an apartment building. Told from the camera’s perspective we follow the various people around inside the building as they make discoveries. The people in the building have taken on a sickness that brings them back from the dead (sortav). Meanwhile, the building has been surrounded and condemned, no one can enter, no one can leave. They figure out that someone in the building had a sick dog; there were dog bites; maybe this is rabies; there is a sick little girl; everyone dies except the new anchor; she goes upstairs and discovered a scientist’s room who was evidently working on something spiritual; there is a funky lady that drags our new anchor into the darkness as the movie ends.

[REC]2 – We begin with some kids goofing off with their camera (as in the 1st this movie is also told from the perspective of the camera’s lens) and they notice a nearby apartment building being surrounded. They check it out. They are sent away by the authorities but they don’t stay gone for long. They see another man trying to enter, he keeps going on and on about how he had medicine for his sick daughter. In watching you are to put two and two together and realize that everything you saw in the 1st movie is happening at the same time as this one. The man with the medicine is also sent away; but the kids find him and he lets them know there is a secret way in. They head off to break in. Meanwhile a swat team arrives and they are to enter the building. The moment they enter is also the same moment in which the news anchor from the 1st movie is pulled into the darkness. Chaos; attacks; swat members die; swat finds kids; more deaths; eventually those left alive make it to the top of the building to the scientist’s room and discover a hidden door; they enter to discover that perhaps these things are not the dead returning to life but that they are instead demonic in origin. They then discover our news anchor and she appears to be okay. Except she turns on the last survivor and kills him; turns to the camera and reveals that she is possessed.

Okay; now that you have seen the setup let’s talk [REC]3: GENESIS.

With a title like that, going into the film, one can assume that perhaps this is going to be a prequel. And yeah, it is sortav. One can also assume we are going to see how this thing all started, and we do.. again I’ll use the word ‘sortav’.

The film starts out as if we are watching a home made wedding DVD. Shows the TV on AV1, then flashes up a “technical screen” as if the dvd player was turned on, then we see a wedding dvd menu with two options; video and photos. Video is chosen for us.

We see from the view of the camera (as in the 1st two movies), a kid filming the wedding of Koldo and Clara. We follow random people around until we manage upon Koldo’s uncle. He has a bandage on his hand and claims to have been bitten by a dog at the kennel (ahh.. that’s the origin, that damn dog). He goes on to say; “I thought he was dead, but he jumped up and bit me! I’ll be alright though.” and from there the uncle moves on to start drinking.

We see the ceremony (bride is pretty, groom is handsome blah blah blah; they say ‘I do’). The after party is roaring; the bride and groom are dancing; the cameraman – Koldo’s cousin – moves outside to film some of the other party-goers and notices his uncle throwing up. We know better, but with this being a film we can’t tell the cousin that. We also see in the background some people in hazmat suits, the cousin comments on these people but brushes it off as insect fumigators. Again, we cannot tell him otherwise. He goes back inside and films a bit more. From on top of an upstairs hall we see the uncle acting funny (everyone is to suspect he is drunk) and he falls over a bannister and onto a table on the main floor. Everyone panics; someone yells to stop the music; another yells to call an ambulance.

The uncle then bites a woman (may have been his wife – I’m not 100% sure on that); and all hell breaks loose. Husband and Wife; Koldo and Clara, are separated in the chaos. The cousin goes with Koldo and a small group of people; we are not sure where Clara goes. The small group makes it to a kitchen where someone freaks out and smashes the camera.

Finally on screen we see the opening of the movie: [REC]3: GENESIS (yeah about 30 or 45 minutes into it..

From this point forward it’s not longer told from the view of the camera lens, although there are a few scenes were we see what is going on from the facilities’ closed circuit cameras.

Hordes of “zombies” are now everywhere; we follow the small group as they make it out of the kitchen and into a biblical temple. For some reason the “zombies” cannot enter it. Over the loudspeaker system we hear Clara telling Koldo that she is still alive and that she is safe. Oh and she is pregnant. Koldo then sets out to find her.

Meanwhile we now see where Clara is; she is hiding with the priest that performed the marriage. They get surrounded by “zombies” and he tells her to take off while he deals with it. He starts to spurt out some bible verses and that seems to hold the “zombies” at bay. Literally.. they stop moving and just stand there and kindav shake.

Clara finds two more survivors who were schtooping each other and have no idea what’s going on. They take off; eventually it comes down to just Clara again. Perhaps one of the best parts of the movie is this:

Definition of Sexy: Bride wearing her ripped up wedding dress and wielding a chainsaw!

Clara is wearing her wedding gown, is covered in blood and is slicing up “zombies” with a chainsaw!

Eventually Koldo and Clara are reunited but then are surrounded by “zombies”. They say their final goodbyes to each other knowing they are about to get eaten. Suddenly the priest comes on over the loudspeaker and start again quoting bible verses. All the “zombies” stop and just sortav shake in place. Clara and Koldo take off. They find their way outside now; only to see hundreds of dead family members and guests all having turned into “zombies”. Each one standing there doing nothing but a little shake as the priest continues to speak.

Suddenly Koldo’s “zombified” grandfather rushes Clara and bites her on the hand. He is wearing a hearing aid and evidently it’s broken. Koldo “kills” his grandfather and cuts off Clara’s arm just above the elbow. They walk to the main entrance of the facility only to find every this wrapped in plastic. The men in hazmat suits are on the other wise and warn them not to exit. Koldo picks up his bride and notices she is not doing so well. She is infected. He then carries her out of the gate and stands there facing dozens of guns in his face. He kisses his bride, she bites his tongue out; they both get shot; the movie ends.

So what exactly did we learn from this 3rd installment? Nothing really. It just reinforced the events of the 1st two movies; it was a dog bite that started everything; and these things are not zombies but rather a demonic force of some type that can simply be held at bay by reading the Bible to them.

I enjoyed the film. The acting was fine, the story was fun, and even though they were not 100% zombies; they were close enough. There was a lot more gore in this one than in the previous two, no question there. If a 4th [REC] comes out, I’ll see that one too.

The US release of this film is in select theaters on Friday, September 7th, 2012.

Yup!  That animated show of Zombies, Vampires, and Freaks, returns March 14th at 10:30 PM.

What am I talking about?  I’m talking about:

Ugly Americans

This time around the Guest Stars include:

Ed Helms, Janeane Garofalo, Lisa Lampanelli, Jon Benjamin, Abby Elliot, Bobby Moynihan And Dan Fogler

Comedy Central has certainly hit this one out of the park with it’s previous season, and this season looks to hit it even farther.

From the official site (www.comedycentral.com) :

NEW YORK, February 21, 2012 — COMEDY CENTRAL’s “Ugly Americans” returns with all-new episodes featuring the affable human social worker Mark Lilly (voiced by Matt Oberg), along with his creature cohorts of zombies, wizards, batboys and other assorted weirdos. The COMEDY CENTRAL original, animated comedy returns with seven half-hour episodes beginning on Wednesday, March 14 at 10:30 p.m., following all-new episodes of the Emmy® and Peabody® Award-winning series, “South Park.”

It’s an “ugly” world out there, but Mark Lilly is ready to help solve any number of problems. Working alongside his peculiar colleagues, he helps integrate Monster-Americans into the madness of New York City. Whether he’s taking custody of a tiny arsonist or making new zombie friends, Mark meets every challenge with a positive attitude. But as everyone knows, a positive attitude doesn’t always go far in New York City.

Mark’s co-workers offer him little assistance: Twayne (Michael-Leon Wooley), is a clueless demonic bureaucrat; Mark’s succubus girlfriend Callie Maggotbone (Natasha Leggero) cares more about sex than she cares about work; his wizard office mate Leonard Powers (Randy Pearlstein) would rather be drinking; and Lt. Grimes (Larry Murphy) is just an idiot. At least Mark still has his zombie roommate, Randall Skeffington (Kurt Metzger), who is always there for him…as long as he covers the rent.

The season begins March 14 with “Journey to the Center of Twayne,” in which Mark takes a tiny arsonist named Jerry (Bobby Moynihan) into his custody and immediately regrets it. Jerry escapes up Twayne’s nostril, forcing Leonard, Grimes and Mark to shrink themselves down and conduct a manhunt inside Twayne’s bizarre body.