ZombieMall.com Blog

Rane, all you have to do is listen…

Standard Podcast [ 0:01 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

I know most of you do not live in fear of Zombies. However, for those that do, these are 5 simple ways to eliminate a threat within 10 miles of where you live. Some of them may be a bit drastic, but when it comes to saving your ass, sometimes it calls for drastic measures…

1.) Move to the remote country. Get a satalite radio and a waterproof satalite telephone. The telephone can be used to keep in touch with the outside world, and the radio will help you keep up on current events. Not to mention you can get the News, listen to music, and of course listen to Howard Stern. Once the merger between XM Radio and Sirius takes place, you will have even more access to that information. Perhaps then ZombieMall Radio will exist too! It is theorized that a satalite phone is immune to a certain carrier wave that can spark a strain of zombies called The Network Zombie (as seen in Stephen King’s book, Cell ).

2.) If you live in the city and cannot get away, move to an area that is away from Cemetaries and Churches. Obviously being close to a cemetary will hold risk, as the dead claw their way up. Churches, well, simply put, they do hold funeral services. You don’t want to run the risk of being near Ms. Blanchard, who died two days ago, of popping up in her casket as the eulegy is being read.

3.) Develop Agoraphobia (the fear of out-doors, crowds, or uncontrolled social events). Start a home based business where you only make phone sales. Lots of companies exist now that will act as a warehouse so you don’t even need to stock inventory. The less you go outside, the less the chances are of running into someone that is infected.

4.) Eliminate all wildlife. They can be carriers. While zombie animals are rare, they can carry strains of the Zombie Virus. In regards to plants, there is a relatively new school of thought that maintains that plants might be able to release their own “infectious agent” into the air, and cause people to kill themselves or others. For example, see the movie The Happening Directed by M. Night Shyamalan.

5.) The easiest way to eliminate a Zombie Threat is for you yourself to avoid stress. Stress can make you sick or angry, or both. Being sick makes you susceptible to contracting the Zombie Virus, while anger can possibly lead to becoming a Rage Zombie. Forget the High Gas Prices. Ignore politicians like Barack Obama, Hilary Clinton, and John McCain. Don’t think about the war in Iraq. Just concentrate on low stress and dwell on happy thoughts.

While these 5 ways can help eliminate a Zombie Threat in your area, do keep in mind that once a Zombie Outbreak happens, it is mandatory that you go into survival mode.

Let’s face it, in this day and age of high gas prices, political unrest, poor international relations, bee’s disappearing, horrid econmic rates, and everything else we deal with on a day to day basis, a Zombie Outbreak may not be a bad thing.
However, the goal of such a scenario is to save your own ass so you can live to see another day. You simply don’t want to get caught with your pants down, because that will slow your run when it’s time to kick it into high gear to get the fuck out of there!
So, I present to you 10 tips on how to Survive a Zombie Outbreak (not in any particular order).

1.) Keep informed of what is going on. You will need to know where the outbreak starts. Did it start in your own town? Did it start 3 States away? Did it start in a different Country? This is perhaps one of the most important tips to staying alive. Once you have determined where the outbreak started, you can then determine the best course of action (IE – if it started two blocks away, you need to get the hell away from the area as fast as you can, however, if it stated over-seas somewhere, chances are you have a little more time to prepare).

2.) Upon hearing about the outbreak, immediatly fill up your bathtub and sinks with water. You never know when some zombie will stumble into a power main and lock the city’s systems, or when some government official will think the smart thing to do is to cut the power and water supplies off to prevent the spread of something.

3.) Choose your weapon. Always, ALWAYS have a good melee weapon close by. Going into hand to hand combat with a zombie is never a good idea, but when the situation requires it, having a good weapon is key. You want something with a good handle that won’t slip from your grip, wrap the handle in electrical tape (the tape will help with the grip, and in a pinch you can unwind the tape and use it for other things). Also choose a good fire-arm. You want something that will cause damage. Forget the slim bullets made for passing through bodies, they are no good, you can’t use em. Unless you are an ace marksmen, forget about long range hunting rifles. All they will do is create loud noises and alert other zombies in the area as to exactly where you are. Unless you score a head-shot right off, you are just wasting ammo and time and they zombie advances on you. Instead choose a good hand-gun and load it up with hollow-points. They are made to blow open holes in your target. The less there is of the zombie, the slower it will move. The slower it moves, the faster you can get away. Remember, not every zombie has to be shot, sometimes just taking out their legs can give you the extra 3 minutes it takes to get away.

4.) Know your battleground. Take time to get to know your surroundings. Someone caught in an open field with an army of zombies coming at them won’t last as long as someone on top of a building with the doors bared shut. However, that same person in an open field may not have an army of zombies to face simply based on population. That person in the building might have thousands or tens of thousands of zombies trying to get at them. You simply won’t have the ammunition to fend them off. Know where your best chances of fighting off the dead will be. On the otherhand, picking a place like Home Depot or Lowes, might be a good place to hole-up. They have bricks, cement mixes, lots of sharp pointy objects.

5.) Don’t Freak Out. Remain calm. When the Zombie Outbreak happens, chill out. Gather your thoughts and work out a plan. Determine what you have to do. Are you going to remain where you are and fight or are you going to take a trek 2,000 miles away to try to save family that lives out of state? Going into panic mode will impact your judgement and prevents you from being aware of your surroundings. That can only lead to being zombie food.

6) Choose the correct clothing. We all know that once a zombie takes a chomp out of someone they spring back as a zombie as well. What can you do to prevent those slobering teeth from taking a bite out of your ass? Well, keep your firearm loaded first thing, but secondary, wear appropriate clothing! A flimsy shirt won’t stop a mosquito from sucking your blood, it’s sure as hell not going to stop a zombies cuspids from gnawing through. A nice thick leather jacket can help deflect those chompers, motorcycle helmets can be good to protect those every precious brains. I understand that depending on the time of year it can get hot, but I’d rather sweat my balls off than have them eaten off (unless it was Heidi Klum coming at me, then I might just accept my fate as being a zombie, cause damn, she’s gonna be hot even if she turned into a zombie!).

7.) Don’t forget the can-opener. Yeah, this is a super simply one. Grab a can-opener. It’s a small object, won’t take up much room, but it can save your life when you run across a can of beans. Think back to those Tom and Jerry cartoons, the one where the Tom is stuck on an island and has all the cans of food, but Jerry has the only can-opener. Both are hungry as hell, but are too stuborn to help each other out. Yeah. A can-opener can save you from having a 1 pound canned-paper-weight and instead having a nice bbq-bean dinner.

8.) Don’t be afraid to kill. I’m not talking about shooting the zombies. If you can’t manage that, you might as well strip off your clothes and waltz right out there for them to feast. No, I’m talking about killing whoever is with you. Let’s face it, you should be in high survival mode at this point. If you are travelling in a group of people and someone get’s bit by a zombie, there is no fucking cure! Shoot them in the head and move on. I understand it can be a hard thing do if your 4 year old daughter gets bit, but the bottom line is, she won’t think twice about sinking those baby teeth into your leg when she turns. There where are you at? Zombieville.

9.) Have a plan with those you love. When the Zombie Outbreak happens, you should already have this planned out. You do drills every few months in case of a fire in your home right? (if you don’t you should!). Well, this should also be something you do. Contact your loved ones and make a plan for when the outbreak happens. Are you all going to meet at a central location? Are you going to have a silent understanding that you love each other and won’t see each other ever again? Being with family can be a great asset, but it can also become a hinderance when it boils down to the base need of survival.

10.) Wait it out. This may very well be the smartest tip given. Depending on the location of the Zombie Outbreak, it may be the very thing that saves your ass. Governments have lots of weapons. They have lots of bombs. It may not be smart to stay holed up in your apartment on the 3rd floor if zombies are all around your complext and the government is about to drop some bombs locally.. However, if you are several thousand miles away from Ground Zero, it might be best to avoid the panic from outside and just keep your bathtub full of water and remain put. If the Zombie Outbreak is small and can be contained, waiting it out would be your best bet.

“Are Zombies Real?”

The author would like to foremention to the Editors of The Zombie Blog, that your organization should seriously consider adding a Category labeled as, “Zombie Facts & Research”. In addition, the web host of this site should offer Mr. Rane Clemens log-in access to this site, so that he may update his vast collection of knowledge to this database, as he sees fit. Simply replying to a distain, half-focused half of a paragraph labeled THE DEAD HAVE A VOICE, is hardly “soap-box” worthy of such an educated, literary genius as the reputable Mastrer Rane Clemens. With this in mind, I will begin….

Are Zombies real? Hmmm….. Let me think about that for a moment. That is hardly the kind of question that you may be asking yourself, as chunks of what used to be your most personal thoughts, are traveling rapidly down a windpipe where a windpipe no longer exists! So, these most personal meaty (and I must add, Bloody)pieces of flesh, fall one by one like some sadistic Chinese Water Torture, into your frozen eyes!
Yes! I would say they’re fuckin’ real!!

I can only speculate that this, or some unfocused version of it, was what was most likely going through my Mother’s mind (or what parts had not already been chewed up), when I found here in a pit of Zombies, outside of my poor excuse for a Research lab. More like a shed than anything else, I performed some of my best experiments just behind our house in the hills of Rainelle, West Virginia. Yes, just over by the Holler, you sarcastic Bastard.
The point that I’m trying to make is that if you don’t take this thing seriously, there’s certain to be dire consequences, and that will most likely start with your cranium. Or, as the Zombie itself may describe to you, your “Salad Bowl”. That’s right- Dinner time, Biotch!
The legend of the Zombie, or as they say in the deep of the Jungles, “Zombi”, has been around for quite some time. Of course, until Hollywood came along and fucked it all up for you and yours truely. Warped your mind, so that it’s all a big joke. And then, WHAMMO”!!!!!!! Teeth to your skull, bitch, and it’s all over. Poor schmuck was laughing all they way to the bite. Then? Well, not so funny. And that’s the way it happens every time. I try to warn them. Grandpa ain’t like he used ta be- He just ate Grandma and for once, she didn’t like it. Bit too hard and bit the wrong body part, if you know what I mean.
So here’s the news flash. I’m gonna break it all down for you once and for all and you best be taking notes, because I’m bolting my fuckin’ door as soon as I’m done here. I would’ve been long gone already, but I had some burying to do, and if any of this information can get to the right people, well then maybe I can THINK about sleeping. Not likely, though.

Fact #1: Yes, Zombies are real. And they WILL bite you in the ass if no Brain is available. Trust me, there’s some backass hillbillies around my neck of the woods, and I’ve seen it happen.
The biggest problem, as I had mentioned earlier, is that Hollywood has been making Zombie Movies for so long, that no one will listen to reason. I’ve seen em’ all- Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead (Both of them), I Zombi, White Zombie, Bone Sickness, Brain Dead, Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things (This was a great film they showed us in Elementary school, up here in Coal Mine country), Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town, Die You Zombie Bastards, and Pet
Semetary. People often ask me if I’ve ever seen 28 Days Later. To which I reply, “No, because if wasn’t a Zombie movie! It was about monkey Aids or something, and if I had a list of shitty movies that would give me diarrhea for a week, that would most certainly be on the list, but I don’t have a list of movies that gave me diarrhea for a week!!!”
So, please don’t ask me that question.
Getting back to the point that I was making, Hollywood has convinced you that Zombies are funny and you should run around like a giggling fairy while they slowly creep up to you at about .0005 miles per hour simply and reverently requesting, “Brraaaiinnnssss”. Well, tell THAT shit to the fucking tourists, my friend, because I can tell you that they’re pretty damn fast around these parts.
And, yes, these films that they produce for your viewing pleasure do not even come close to the true Horror that these two gray eyes have seen. I’ve most certainly seen scarier films than the before mentioned. House of 1000 Corpses got me wearin’ brown. That fucker, Billy the Puppet from Saw was pretty damn piss leakin’. Damn, the Incredible Hulk got me heading to the restroom and that’s not even a Horror film! The point is, Hollywood and their Zombie Movies are full of crap and they know it.
Another beef that I have, are novelty companies that come out around Halloween with all kinds of Zombie Masks, Zombie fingers, Bag O Zombies, Zombie Vaginas; Hell, I saw some guy on the internet selling shirts that said Zombie Taco and Zombie Hotdog! Waht the Fuck! Dude, you’re not helping. And by the way, people, he’s talkin’ about Va-jay-jays and Weiners! You ain’t fooling nobody, man! Not fer a dang second. Nothing funny about Zombie Vaginas and Peckers, I can tell ya from experience! You wouldn’t be laughing so damn hard if you ever witnessed a Zombie rape, I can tell you that.
R.I.P, Donnie. It shouldn’t have gone down like that.

Anyhow, before you start wearing Zombie Jewelry, or play all of those Zombie Video Games they got out there these days, you need to do some serious research for yourself. Get on Wilkipedia and get some knowledge, cause there’s plenty of it out there, if you look between the lines and stop basing everything you THINK you know, on Zombie Movies and Zombie Tacos. Damnit, this world’s goin’ ta Hell…
Zombie Hotdog, my Ass.

Locking Up For The Night,

Rane Clemens
Rainelle, WV