Thu. Jul 25th, 2024


Let’s face it, in this day and age of high gas prices, political unrest, poor international relations, bee’s disappearing, and everything else we deal with on a day to day basis, a Zombie Outbreak may not be a bad thing.
However, the goal of such a scenario is to save your own ass so you can live to see another day. You simply don’t want to get caught with your pants down, because that will slow your run when it’s time to kick it into high gear to get the fuck out of there!
So, I present to you 10 tips on how to Survive a Zombie Outbreak (not in any particular order).

1.) Keep informed of what is going on. You will need to know where the outbreak starts. Did it start in your own town? Did it start 3 States away? Did it start in a different Country? This is perhaps one of the most important tips to staying alive. Once you have determined where the outbreak started, you can then determine the best course of action (IE – if it started two blocks away, you need to get the hell away from the area as fast as you can, however, if it stated over-seas somewhere, chances are you have a little more time to prepare).

2.) Upon hearing about the outbreak, immediately fill up your bathtub and sinks with water. You never know when some zombie will stumble into a power main and lock the city’s systems, or when some government official will think the smart thing to do is to cut the power and water supplies off to prevent the spread of something.

3.) Choose your weapon. Always, ALWAYS have a good melee weapon close by. Going into hand to hand combat with a zombie is never a good idea, but when the situation requires it, having a good weapon is key. You want something with a good handle that won’t slip from your grip, wrap the handle in electrical tape (the tape will help with the grip, and in a pinch you can unwind the tape and use it for other things). Also choose a good fire-arm. You want something that will cause damage. Forget the slim bullets made for passing through bodies, they are no good, you can’t use em. Unless you are an ace marksmen, forget about long range hunting rifles. All they will do is create loud noises and alert other zombies in the area as to exactly where you are. Unless you score a head-shot right off, you are just wasting ammo and time and they zombie advances on you. Instead choose a good hand-gun and load it up with hollow-points. They are made to blow open holes in your target. The less there is of the zombie, the slower it will move. The slower it moves, the faster you can get away. Remember, not every zombie has to be shot, sometimes just taking out their legs can give you the extra 3 minutes it takes to get away.

4.) Know your battleground. Take time to get to know your surroundings. Someone caught in an open field with an army of zombies coming at them won’t last as long as someone on top of a building with the doors bared shut. However, that same person in an open field may not have an army of zombies to face simply based on population. That person in the building might have thousands or tens of thousands of zombies trying to get at them. You simply won’t have the ammunition to fend them off. Know where your best chances of fighting off the dead will be. On the other hand, picking a place like Home Depot or Lowes, might be a good place to hole-up. They have bricks, cement mixes, lots of sharp pointy objects.

5.) Don’t Freak Out. Remain calm. When the Zombie Outbreak happens, chill out. Gather your thoughts and work out a plan. Determine what you have to do. Are you going to remain where you are and fight or are you going to take a trek 2,000 miles away to try to save family that lives out of state? Going into panic mode will impact your judgement and prevents you from being aware of your surroundings. That can only lead to being zombie food.

6) Choose the correct clothing. We all know that once a zombie takes a chomp out of someone they spring back as a zombie as well. What can you do to prevent those slobbering teeth from taking a bite out of your ass? Well, keep your firearm loaded first thing, but secondary, wear appropriate clothing! A flimsy shirt won’t stop a mosquito from sucking your blood, it’s sure as hell not going to stop a zombies cuspids from gnawing through. A nice thick leather jacket can help deflect those chompers, motorcycle helmets can be good to protect those every precious brains. I understand that depending on the time of year it can get hot, but I’d rather sweat than die.

7.) Don’t forget the can-opener. Yeah, this is a super simply one. Grab a can-opener. It’s a small object, won’t take up much room, but it can save your life when you run across a can of beans. Think back to those Tom and Jerry cartoons, the one where the Tom is stuck on an island and has all the cans of food, but Jerry has the only can-opener. Both are hungry as hell, but are too stubborn to help each other out. Yeah. A can-opener can save you from having a 1 pound canned-paper-weight and instead having a nice bbq-bean dinner.  You can also use a spoon or anything else to open a tin can, the metal on top is fairly thin, just scrape it along the upper inside lip and in no-time you’ll be eating them beans (provided they didn’t expire 6 years ago).

8.) Don’t be afraid to kill. I’m not talking about shooting the zombies. If you can’t manage that, you might as well strip off your clothes and waltz right out there for them to feast. No, I’m talking about killing whoever is with you. Let’s face it, you should be in high survival mode at this point. If you are travelling in a group of people and someone get’s bit by a zombie, there is no fucking cure! Shoot them in the head and move on. I understand it can be a hard thing do if your 4 year old daughter gets bit, but the bottom line is, she won’t think twice about sinking those baby teeth into your leg when she turns. Then where are you at? Zombieville.  I’m not saying you should just take off on a murder spree.  Killing folks should never be an option, until you have no other choice.

9.) Have a plan with those you love. When the Zombie Outbreak happens, you should already have this planned out. You do drills every few months in case of a fire in your home right? (if you don’t you should!). Well, this should also be something you do. Contact your loved ones and make a plan for when the outbreak happens. Are you all going to meet at a central location? Are you going to have a silent understanding that you love each other and won’t see each other ever again? Being with family can be a great asset, but it can also become a hinderance when it boils down to the base need of survival.

10.) Wait it out. This may very well be the smartest tip given. Depending on the location of the Zombie Outbreak, it may be the very thing that saves your ass. Governments have lots of weapons. They have lots of bombs. It may not be smart to stay holed up in your apartment on the 3rd floor if zombies are all around your complex and the government is about to drop some bombs locally.. However, if you are several thousand miles away from Ground Zero, it might be best to avoid the panic from outside and just keep your bathtub full of water and remain put. If the Zombie Outbreak is small and can be contained, waiting it out would be your best bet.