Sun. May 26th, 2024


I know most of you do not live in fear of Zombies. However, for those that do, these are 5 simple ways to eliminate a threat within 10 miles of where you live. Some of them may be a bit drastic, but when it comes to saving your ass, sometimes it calls for drastic measures…

1.) Move to the remote country. Clear trees for acres around (save that wood tho – you can make all kinds of traps in the new fields you now have).  Get a satellite radio and a waterproof satellite telephone. The telephone can be used to keep in touch with the outside world, and the radio will help you keep up on current events. The internet in the country can be a bit spotty, but social media will more than likely be the first place to look for news of an outbreak. It is theorized that a satellite phone is immune to a certain carrier wave that can spark a strain of zombies called The Network Zombie (as seen in Stephen King’s book, Cell ).

2.) If moving to the country is not for you, move North to the frozen areas.  I’m talking places that stay frozen most of the year.  Zombies don’t do well in cold climates, especially when it gets below freezing.  The bit of liquid that does remain in the tends to freeze very quickly as they have no way to internally generate heat to keep themselves moving.

3.) If you live in the city and cannot get away, move to an area that is away from Cemeteries and Churches. Obviously being close to a cemetery will hold risk, as the dead claw their way up. Churches, well, simply put, they do hold funeral services. You don’t want to run the risk of being near Ms. Blanchard, who died two days ago, of popping up in her casket as the eulogy is being read.

4.) Develop Agoraphobia (the fear of out-doors, crowds, or uncontrolled social events). Start a home based business where you only make phone sales. Lots of companies exist now that will act as a warehouse so you don’t even need to stock inventory. The less you go outside, the less the chances are of running into someone that is infected.

5.) Eliminate all wildlife. They can be carriers. While zombie animals are rare, they can carry strains of the Zombie Virus. In regards to plants, there is a relatively new school of thought that maintains that plants might be able to release their own “infectious agent” into the air, and cause people to kill themselves or others. For example, see the movie The Happening Directed by M. Night Shyamalan.

6.) The easiest way to eliminate a Zombie Threat is for you yourself to avoid stress. Stress can make you sick or angry, or both. Being sick makes you susceptible to contracting the Zombie Virus, while anger can possibly lead to becoming a Rage Zombie. Forget the High Gas Prices. Ignore politicians like Barack Obama, Hilary Clinton, and John McCain. Don’t think about the war in Iraq. Just concentrate on low stress and dwell on happy thoughts.

While these 5 ways can help eliminate a Zombie Threat in your area, do keep in mind that once a Zombie Outbreak happens, it is mandatory that you go into survival mode.6